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| - Promiscuous What a crap day I had today. Just felt lathargic, tired, drained physically and mentally. Even music wasn't helping. But then I went to the soup kitchen and listened to stories of being in prison and doing crack cocaine. So I'm better now.
Recent quotes from friends:
"Being single, there are way too many choices...its like being in a candy store waiting for your cavity"
"There are lots of guys out there. It's finding a good one that's the bitch"
"I don't like my husband this week"
"I knew I was ready to marry her when nothing in the world mattered more than her"
"You should write a memoir of all the ridiculous things people say to you" | | |
| So for the last weekend and the weekend before that one, and the one before that one, and basically every weekend that I can remember for the last few months, I have had alcohol. Whether it be in the same old "I'm-too-cool-for-you" asian club (686), or the loud deafening seedy club (Plaza), or the trendy yuppie club (BarNone), or up at Whistler with a bunch of accountants, or cosmic bowling at the Zone... I have had alcohol and most of the time too much of it. This weekend something scary happened. Well, I have had spells where I get light-headed and need to sit down cuz I know I'll black out, or some days I can drink 12 shots of smthing and be dancing and have no problems. This time I had 4 drinks and I blacked out and pushed into some guy causing plenty of drinks to be spilled on me. I was out for probably 1 minute, meanwhile my friends think that I have died cuz my eyes are wide open and rolled back, and 3 of them are dragging me over to the seat while avoiding any bouncers. Suddenly I come to, and I'm completely fine and sober. Shit, I am one of THOSE girls.
So I asked soon-to-be Dr. Anson and Dr. Simon about my condition. Both say that when I have alcohol, my veins dilate and cannot pump blood back from my extremities to my heart and to my all important brain, causing me to black out. Great. I can either abstain from drinking or sit down when I start to feel light-headed. Dr. Anson and Dr. Simon recommend me to see my GP. Good idea.
Thank god for my friends who rescued me! | | |
| I really need to do the right thing once and for all. I don't want anymore in-between's, no more "its complicated." But why is it so hard to just stick with it? Stick with the right decision which we both agree on is to separate. It's hard because we have way too much chemistry and history and we are pretty much soul mates. I never got bored, I was falling more and more in love with him each day of our 3 years. Just that he's not man enough for me. He's a 26 year old wishing he was still 20. Still dreaming of vanity, materialism, and attention from anything with legs. So I need someone more mature, someone who wouldnt jeopardize everything and put it on the line to temporarily fill his own big emptiness and insecurity. Atleast I can't say I didn't try to work on us.
Pix- our lasts. Us in March in LA.
@Hollywood Highlands
@ the Grove
@ Huntington Library, Pasadena | | |
| I never really believed in karma before. But lately things have been coming around full circle... hurting others, being hurt, cheating, being cheated on, lying, being lied at. It doesn't really stop. I wonder if things have happened to me because of karma trying to slap me in the ass, or because I attract the wrong people. If I attract the wrong type of men, then maybe I haven't learned my lesson from 8 years ago, which means I haven't changed at all? I would like to think I am at least a bit stronger about who I am and what I deserve than when I was a teenager.
I remember a co-worker of mine at the bank, middle-aged with 3 kids, whose husband left her after over 20 years of marriage for his secretary. I could see the betrayal in her eyes when she was telling me what happened. I imagined her sobbing behind a closed door in her house so her kids wouldn't see, just non-stop crying for hours, huddled up like a baby. The hurt and devastation and countless days of crying showed in her face, on every wrinkle and sag under her eyes. I got a glimpse of what she went through and now I know, nobody deserves to be betrayed, no matter what you've done in the past. If you've changed and become a better person and gave the best you could in a relationship, then you don't deserve it. I was the best I could be. I haven't lost anything in myself. I look upon our relationship differently now. Its like being with a new or different person in the same relationship. Trying to be the same as before is impossible. It is time to mourn the dream and to mourn the person who I thought existed but no longer exists. | | |
| V-Day
...is a commercialized crock of crap, yet we all are suckers for it...
To keep or not to keep? That is the question. | | |
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